Not my Will

Many of you have grown up in less than perfect circumstances.  We have all been influenced and shaped by the people who surrounded us during our formative years.  I was raised in an alcoholic home where no mention of God existed except as a swear word. I have learned that people who grow up in an alcoholic home have control issues.  We seek to control because our home lives are so chaotic.  The child of the alcoholic seeks to bring order and stability (control) to their own lives.  I am no exception. 

As a teenager, bedtime, for me, was not an opportunity to wind down and drift off to sleep.  No, for me bedtime was a series of little trips sneaking out to the living room to check on Dad.  You see my father would go to sleep each night in a drunken stupor.  I was always afraid that he would burn the house down by dropping a cigarette on the floor as he dosed off.  Many nights I would find a cigarette still burning on the carpet beside him.  After my Dad was in a deep sleep I would take his wheel chair to him (a story for another day) lift him into it and put him in bed.  Only then could I sleep.

My life and future seemed hopeless to me.  When I was 15 I heard the story of a God in Heaven who loved me so much that He gave His only Son to die for me.  When I accepted God's gift of eternal life my whole world changed.  I had purpose now and I knew God had great plans and a wonderful future for my life.  For the first time I finally felt  loved, protected and accepted.  I wasn’t alone anymore.

God directed my steps to Cornerstone College after high school where I met a wonderful strong man who would become my husband three years later.  We entered the ministry together with a heart full of hopes and dreams.  I believed that if I did everything right and controlled the circumstances around me, my family would be protected from harm and our home would always be filled with happiness and joy.  This unrealistic, idealistic belief almost ruined me.

My oldest child entered into full blown rebellion at the age of 13. I was blown away.  I could not process the concept of having a problem like this with one of my children.  I raised my children in a safe home where they could be free to express themselves.  I was there to fill their love cups when they headed toward empty.  I connected with each of them and developed a deep bond of trust.  Although I am not perfect our home was a pretty good picture of stability - how could this happen?

In my disparity I pooled together all of my resources and tried to control the situation, thinking, "I can fix this!"  I was intelligent, resourceful, had many connections and I thought I had a bit of my own wisdom to draw upon.  But NOTHING helped - absolutely NOTHING!  My son just kept spiraling out of control.  He was recklessly speeding down, down a slippery slope where danger and destruction lurked.  I feared for his life, I grieved and cried every single day.  My heart was broken and the pain was unbearable but I kept moving forward doing everything in my power to fix him.

It took many years before I finally collapsed and cried out to God "Help me - please reach and rescue my son, my only son, the son that I love more than life itself.  I have no other place to turn.  I can't do it anymore."

I had finally come to the end of myself and that is when God stepped in.  When I gave up on me God took one finger at a time and released my white knuckled grip on my son.  It was definitely a God thing because I could not do it.  As God helped me release my son to His care and as I took my hands off - I saw miracles begin to take place in his life.

Recently I said to a friend of ours, "It seems God keeps bringing me back to the place where I can't control situations."  Brian lovingly said, "Susie, what do you think that means?"   HELLO ...  with that simple question the realization dawned.  I haven't totally learned to trust and release.  I read a prayer in a book called Stepping out of Denial into God's Grace by John Baker and have customized it a bit to pray over myself daily: 

Dear God, I have tried to do it all by myself, on my own power, and I have failed.  Today, I want to turn my life over to You.  I want you to be my Lord.  I ask that you help me start to think less about me and my will.  I want to daily turn my will over to You, to daily seek your direction and wisdom for my life.  Please continue to help me overcome my hurts and control issues that I might be healthy and whole and pleasing in your sight.

With a heart filled with incredible joy, I can tell you that today my son loves God with a Passion.  He has a very tender heart of compassion for people in pain.  He is wise beyond His years.  I see God's hand at work in His life and I stand in Awe.   "My God shall supply All your needs."  In order to release His Power into life I must surrender my will and inclination to control.  The process of learning to trust God completely continues to be a journey away from self-will as I move toward His will.